The Pope dies and, of course, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee
headed by Peter; and, after a whirlwind tour of heaven, he is told that he can enjoy any
of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures,
so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over
every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to
the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The Angels come running in -- only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to
himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."
A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the
problem is and what does he mean.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out
the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a
plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to
scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just
one more time."
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and
black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....". Black fairy tales starts,
"Yo, you mother-fuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face
was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his
skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was
a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever
did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her
youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank
him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!" He replied, "Oh
don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough everytime your mother comes
over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife
says,"I'll get it" and wraps a towel around her. She opens the door and
sees that it's her next-door neighbor. The neighbor notices that she's in her
towel and says, "Darned if you're not a fine looking lady! I'll give you
$500right now if you'll open your towel and let me get a good look at that
beautiful body of yours"She says, "$500? Right now?" He says, "Yeah
right now."
She agrees and opens her towel and lets him get a real good look. He hands
her the $500 and goes back home. She gets back in the shower and her husband asks
who was at the door. She says that it was the next-door neighbor. He said,
"Cool!
Did he have my 500 bucks?"
POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference
between potentially and realistically?"
The father answered, " Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have
learned."So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!!
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his
sister and said," Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The
girl replied, "Oh my God!
I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential
andrealistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,
but realistically we're living with two sluts."
A Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change, The courage to change the
things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide
the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off. Also, help me
to be careful of the toes I step on today, as
they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if
sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The
priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I
am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath." The man thinks:
"What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to minister... a married man,
experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same
reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he
seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex
is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were
work...my wife would have the maid do it."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his
pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then
asked him, "How does that feel?"To which he replied,
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"
College Pride
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you
get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went
to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did
you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend
went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you
have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a
girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Hey Sexy!
I know I haven't known you very long,
and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon,
but I really need it badly.
I haven't' had it for a while
and I can already feel it
going in good and hard
and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs
and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now,
that I have a lot of nerve
but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it
and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer
so.......
Do you have a piece of gum?
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells to each one of
them to write back about their marriage life. So the first one gets married..
The second day the letter arrives with a single message..'Maxwell Coffehouse'
Mother got confused and finally looks the ad, and it says.. Satisfaction to
the last drop..Mother is happy The same way the second one gets married.
After a week the message arrives .... 'Rothmans' As usual mother looks into
the ad, and it says... LIFE SIZE KING SIZE !! Mother is happy But after the
third one's wedding, only after 4 weeks the message arrives and it says
‘BRITISH AIRWAYS' As usual mother looks into the ad, and this time she
faints. THE AD : TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be
taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we
teach her what's right and what's wrong?" "Great idea," said the partner.
You teach her what's right."
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
And they're off...!
Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties
are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught
between Smooth Thighs and Big Johnsonin a very tight spot. At the halfway
mark it's Bare Belly on top. Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed
in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady
and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure from Big Johnson. At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the
strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At
the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady
taking everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big
Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth
Thighs pulls-up the rear. Clean Sheets never had a chance.
A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was
browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had
found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's
breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" The bother-in-law, a notorious
joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" To which the father, from behind
his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard
enough."
A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin
and a glass of water for his wife. He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin
and a some water.” She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!" He
replied, "Thank God!"
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they
would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only
fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and
breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said.
"I'm
a hooker." "I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's
probably
because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife... Wife, we're
going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog. The wife grimaces... But I
don't like fishing! Look! We're going fishing and that's final. Do I have to
go fishing with you... I really don't want to go! Right I'll give you three
choices...
1 You come fishing with me and the dog...
2 You give me a BLOW JOB....
3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again... But I don't want to do any of those things! Wife
I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to
the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to
have made up your mind! The wife sits and thinks about it.. Twenty minutes
later her husband comes back...Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me
and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass? The wife complains some more and finally makes
up her mind. O.K. I'll give you a blow job! Great! He says and drops his
trollies.... The wife is on her knees doing the business.. she stops...looks
up at her Husband... Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all
shitty! Yes! says her husband 'The dog didn't want to go fishing either.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can
drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my
husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly
sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your
husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?"
"Because he
always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been
sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to
his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and
whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed,
spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just
told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
A couple was having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it
anymore. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make
some money through prostitution to get by. So the husband drove her to the
place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked. "Well", the
woman
responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents". "That's
strange",
the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?" Said the woman: "All
of
them, of course!"
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they
have to share a bed. In the middle of the
night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid
dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the
left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then
the guy in the middle wakes up and says,
"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't
resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this
football?
Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want
a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her
one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy as he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is
a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his
most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!"
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to
which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims
"My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE
as I want!
One year, a man recorded every day of the year and whether he had sex with his
wife or not. In the 365 days he conducted his research, he only had sex 12
days. He recorded the reasons why his wife couldn’t have sex with him, and
these are the results:
1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times
And Here is this man’s wife’s version of the research:
1. Came home drunk and tried to "do" the cat. . . . . . 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club." One of the
friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The
"dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her
butt. Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the
girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the
attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a
minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60
bucks, and headed for the door.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look
at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he
tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As
he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she
says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermateolegical abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do
you
know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," the woman says, "you're
checking for
any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then
begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying
there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the
receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad
that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her
lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my
husband telling me
all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing
doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that
mean?" "It
means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut
off?"
"My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it
hurt, I didn't
walk for a year!"
The farm boy said to his father, "Y'know, pop, I've just realized that an egg
is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation." "And why is that?" asked
the
elder farmer. " 'Cuz," replied the boy, "it only gets laid once, it only
gets
eaten once, it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven
other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom.
