A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking
her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,"
she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the
woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD!!
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the
Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe
that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and
going.
"Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the
time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical
Examiner,
Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest
induced
by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's
batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar, but
decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he asks to the customer, "What's the name of
your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your penis."
So the customer turns to the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to the
left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer
asks, "Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin'.
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns
to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1." Then he
adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his penis.
He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'.
Now give me my beer!"
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
How "They" Do It When It Comes to Sex
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on comission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath
some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his
cooler and opens it.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets
hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies
and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can
I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
Pierre, a famous French soccer player, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant
picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the famous French soccer player! When I have red meat, I always have red
wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower..."
Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonay and starts pouring it all over
her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the famous French soccer player! When I have white meat, I always have
white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up, Marie leans close to
his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our French hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her beaver.
He strikes a match and lights it on fire...
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards
and screams furiously, "Pierre!!! What the hell do you think you are doing???
Pierre stands up, with a silly defiant French grin, and says, "I am Pierre the famous
French soccer player! And when I have dessert -- it is always flambe!!!"
Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite
diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned to see a
lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger
too fast.
The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"
"Yep." replied the second.
The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can
you breathe?" She shook her head no.
"Can you speak?" he asked. Again she shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and
started to lick on her butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the
obstruction and began to breathe.
The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "That hind lick
maneuver works every time!"
This is actually from the L.A. Times.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue
that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman
described what happened next. :The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and
severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski
suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the
gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus
and lower intestinal tract.
O.K. here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story.
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare
at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot
out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someones
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime
fresh after his little
journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room.Sorry, but I think I would have made up a
story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my
house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor
and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot
and we took this cardboard tube..."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one
ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:"Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to
her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between
my legs and I'll put my head between your legs", still unsure but willing,
he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a riproaring
fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man
immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
during the past year I have tried to make love to you 365
times.
i have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten
days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me
there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up: and
get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I
: finished, and: one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was:
because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about
the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me on my back or
kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
