Do you know how to reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.
What do you call 5 condoms playing metal?
A rubber band.................
Why did the condom cross the road?
Because it was pissed off.
What do a gay and a bungee jumper have in common?
If the rubber breaks they're both in the shit.
********
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS
PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your
trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
********
A woman gets into the elevator after shopping at lunch time. She
is returning back to work once the doors close she feels a
serious fart coming on. With no body else in the elevator she
feels comfortable so off she goes and drops a bad one.
After having to endure the smell for a moment or so she feels
embarrassed so she pulls out a can of air freshener that she has
just bought, she spays it around and thinks thats that.
At the next floor a man gets into the lift and looks rather
uncomfortable as he continues to sniff, sniff, sniff,
"Is there something wrong?" says the woman.
"Yes," says the man "Its the smell."
"What does it smell like?" She asks, "Airfreshener?"
"No," he says, "it smells like somebody has shit in a pine tree."
********
Q) Why does a dog lick his ass?
A) Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
********
Monica Lewinsky's Lawyer, handing a picture of her to Bill Clinton asks:
"Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?"
Bill Clinton: "I think I've come across her face a couple of times."
********
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of
the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted
and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding
on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.
Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are
upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just
wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
********
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The
mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and
tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys
and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting
intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive
and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important
for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can
remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I
remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of
your hair?
********
True Story - Australian Police have been unable to recommend a
prosecution for the following scam:-
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able
to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under
the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to
be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a
company cheque.
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present
these to their banks. The name of the company is:
'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom Ive got a problem."
She
says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he
doesnt understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and
bitch". She says "Oh thats no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little
Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy". He thanks her and goes to
visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys
at school are using words I dont know, and I asked mom and I dont think she
told me the exact meaning. Dad says " Son, I told you never to go to mom with
these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy
and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a
marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything
inside this circle, is pussy". "OK dad, so whats a bitch?" "Son"
he says,
"everything outside that circle."
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks
up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly, Clinton grabs Hillary by
the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired
shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, "Throw the first PITCH!"
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a
nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had
been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt
the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Q.What do you call a red condom?
A.Little Red Riding Hood
Q.What do you call a black condom?
A.Night Rider
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into
the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little
kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and
begins to laugh hysterically. The young man gives her a stern look and say,
"You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks,
they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom,
ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his
shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000
pounds of Dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a
bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those,
baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this
point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs
screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the
door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She replies, "With
2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about
to blow!"
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet
on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better
then l, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro
didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they
went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed
to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of
the members. "Well," said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and
as l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and
grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!" Have you ever tried to play 18 holes
of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was
reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and
says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the
female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies,
"Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "Ok." He then
gets
up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About
half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, l'm sure
the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
"Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying
in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a
virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was
thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it
up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more
step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing
him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your
guardian
angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the
hell
were you when I got married?"
