A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with
you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested
such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised
his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the
water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top
of that black ten!"
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the
bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the
guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of
pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while
doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have
to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's
never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says,
"Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be
nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big
slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and
soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping,
then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big
scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex.
She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later.
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still
think your wife is better in bed!
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother.
"My
child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly; but
before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come
over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just
found another one."
It was the finals in Olympic wrestling. It was a fact that the Anerican
was a better wrestler, but the Russian had a 'hold' called the 'pretzel
hold' that no-one had ever succeeded in breaking.
Both competitors trained rigoroulsy on their relative weaknesses. On the
night of the competition, the American coach got caught in traffic and
arrived 5 minutes late at the stadium.
Lo and behold, they were already playing the U.S. National anthem and the
American was being presented with the gold medal. His coach was ecstatic!
In the dressing room he exclaimed "you did it...how in hell did you stay
out of the "pretzel hold"?".
"Are you kidding?" was the reply, "I wasn't in the ring for more than 20
seconds and he had me in it....I was dumbfounded". "What did you
do?" cried the coach. "Well, I looked up and there was a gigantic pair
of testacles hanging down......I stretched to the limit and managed to get
my teeth around them and bit like crazy"....."Wow" said the coach
...."and
you managed to get out of it?".
"You bet" he exclaimed...."you'd be amazed at what you can get out when
you bite your own testacles!!"
A bloke walks up to a bar with a big OSTRICH behind him, and as
he sits, a small CAT jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman
comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it
be?"
The man says, "I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "what's
yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich.
Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink too."
The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three
pounds forty, please."
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's
surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount
out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat
return to the same bar.
"I'll have a pint," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half... "But I
ain't payin'!"
Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount
from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one
evening, the trio enters again. "The same?" asks the barman.
"Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large
scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a
large scotch as well."
The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "that'll
be seven pounds twenty, please."
To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his
pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his
curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's
something
I must know...how do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket... every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several
years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she
died,she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out
the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared
and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"Well,
if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and
the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live."
"That's right, whether it is a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last
thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or
ostriches drinking' in 'ere...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's
probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for
my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a
tight pussy."
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car goes
to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father
answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you
have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's
dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carrie's father, "Our Carrie really
loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this
makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to
look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any
way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's
crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that
the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-
chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her. The guy
thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex
is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles further down the
road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a
confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel
the marriage, it is OK with him. The girl thought about it for a while and
said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far
more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest
with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding
night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally,
the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the
girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy asked,
"I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said,
"You told me it was just like a baby!" The guy replied, "It is -- 8 pounds
and
21 inches!"
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.
He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer
of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success
had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another
level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke:
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was
changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a
rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now
or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He
climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a
gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me
now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't
believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the
next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a
latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-
looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward
Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers,
"I'm
Cess."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy
finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet
I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet
you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that
little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can
of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy
five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes
later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five
dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The
grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!
Q. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
A. In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Q. Why does the bride wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and fridge.
Q. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A. Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot.
"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that
they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his
inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the
lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2
kids!!!"
A young couple are on their way to their wedding when they were
killed in a car crash. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates,
St. Peter was waiting and asked if there was anything he could do
to make their stay in heaven more pleasant.
"Now that you mention it," the couple said, "We were on our way
to our wedding when we were killed. Can we get married in heaven?"
"Go on in, and I'll check it out," replied St. Peter.
Six months passed with no word.
Finally St. Peter strolled up with the good news that they
can be married.
"We were thinking, forever is a long time. Is is possible
that if we're married and it doesn't work out we can get a divorce in
Heaven?" the couple asked.
"For Christsake," replied St. Peter. "It took me six months to
find a priest in Heaven. How long do you think it would take me to
track down a lawyer?"
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally,
they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female
moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of
the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of
the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy
in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass,
but you'd better brace yourself."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his new bride were in their honeymoon suite on the night of
their wedding. They had never been intimate.
When the new wife shyly suggested they get undressed the man said he
needed to make a confession. He told his new wife that he was built like a
baby.
The new wife pondered over this for a moment and then gently
told him that is was OK and they would work it out.
Then the man unzipped his pants and his penis rolled out and fell to the
floor.
The wife gasped and said, 'I thought you said you were built like a baby?'
The husband replied, 'I am, 6 lbs. 8ozs, and 22
inches long!'
********
Three drinking buddies\coworkers, are sitting in the office, taking
aspirin for their hangovers, and talking about the night before.
"Man!" says one, "I
was so drunk last night, I passed out in an alley!"
"That's nothing!" says another, "I was so drunk last night, I drove right
through my garage door!"
"I can beat that!" says the third, "I was so drunk last night, I blew
CHUNKS!"
"So what?" the others ask, "That's nothing."
"No, no, you see," the third explained, "Chunks is the name of my
dog!"
********
A man was asked by his friends if he could go out drinking with them.
He said he couldn't because his wife would get mad at him for staying out
late.
So they told him that when he got home, he should climb in the bedroom
window and have oral sex with his wife. They reasoned that she would enjoy
it so much, she'd forget about how long he had stayed out. So the man
agreed to do it.
That night, when he got home, he carried out the plan. He climbed up and
through the bedroom window, grabbed the shadowy figure of his wife in the
darkness, and without speaking a word, engaged in oral sex with her.
After ten minutes of much moaning and groaning from his wife, he realized
he had to use the bathroom. So he excused himself to go and answer
nature's call.
Upon entering the bathroom, he saw his wife in the shower. "What are you
doing here!!!" he yelled.
"Shh!!!" she whispered, "You'll wake my mother!"
