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Company Casual Day
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual
Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m.
Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is
mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task
Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed
to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear"
and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued,
effective immediately.
********
An American woman, a British woman and an Italian woman
were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my
husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If
he wanted it clean he would have to do it himself. After
the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I
didn't see anything. Then on the third day, voila! My
husband had cleaned the entire house!"
The British woman agreed, "I told my husband that I wasn't
going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he
would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't
see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then
on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and
my laundry!"
The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I
wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he
would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself.
After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day,
I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, I began to
see a little out of my left eye."
********
The following are actual statements made during court cases:
====================
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
===================
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
=======================
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
=====================
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth
too.
======================
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
=======================
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one
fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit
back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed,
and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
==========================
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
=================
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
name. Not a damn thing.
========================
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to
say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
=========================
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
********
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
God said an "arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???"
The rest is history.
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they
happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that
says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out
twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
"Well???" asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people ever think of?"
********
A man took his blond wife deer hunting for the first time. After
he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important
piece of information:
Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the
first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be
quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!
So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes
later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure
she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he
got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to
his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:
Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle
off your deer before you take it away?!?!
********
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take
those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we
know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done -- not both.
Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do
we.
Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their chest stared at.
Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
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