<< His/Her ATM Routine
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on
it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake >>
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf
course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the
husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball
don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of
the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said,
"I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up
there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say,
"Come on in. "They opened the door and saw glass all over the
floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was
trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me.
I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish,
and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"
the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every
country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had
sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep
with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a
lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the
wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35."
she replied. "And he still believes in genies?....
That's amazing."
real estate
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his
wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of
some
ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to
discover
that
she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone
so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.." "$100!?!
For A handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and
sure
enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that
Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell.. He leaves
with
her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand
job
was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When
she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs.."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out
front
at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust
me,
it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.
He
leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints
--twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some
pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where
between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!" >>
<< REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
>>
>> Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
>> Artery.........................The study of paintings.
>> Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
>> Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
>> Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.
>> Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
>> Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
>> Colic..........................A sheep dog.
>> Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
>> D&C............................Where Washington is.
>> Dilate.........................To live long.
>> Enema..........................Not a friend.
>> Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
>> Fibula.........................A small lie.
>> Genital........................Non-Jewish person.
>> G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
>> Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
>> Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
>> Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
>> Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
>> Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
>> Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
>> Node...........................I knew it.
>> Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
>> Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
>> Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
>> Post Operative.................A letter carrier.
>> Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
>> Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.
>> Secretion......................Hiding
