Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet
store in search of an exotic pet...
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign
says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).
Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions
carefully."
Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down
"there".
She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to
her surprise, nothing happens!
Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads
the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you
have any problems or questions, please call the pet store".
So, Cindy calls...
Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints
earlier today. I'll be right over".
Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.
Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to
the instructions and the damn thing just sits there".
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how
to do this one more time!"
********
Dr. Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much
he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and
sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to
reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't
the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you
won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to
reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
********
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside
an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control
himself and let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady
and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we
pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
********
A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a
stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and
asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get
out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch,
..."It's only 2014 now."
********
A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first
caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of
heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door
pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that
racket on the weekends?'"
********
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a
confession to make; the reason that they have not been too
intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes
to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in
a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to
the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession;
he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants
to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not
mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They
went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the
girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.
Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's
naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked,
"I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."
The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."
********
This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last
cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing,
rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife
was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to
the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the
cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind,
his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral." She replied.
********
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She
was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up
the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving,
but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for
the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the
doornwhen it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys
that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make
mistakes."
