Sex Rearch for The Innocent Women
The following information was gained through much arduous
research involving men and women from all backgrounds and
walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions
of women (i.e.. relationships, sex and life in general). All
women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained
therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths
establishd below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right.
When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible,
since they're not emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain thingsthat may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel
ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love,
he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out
with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity,
such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose
of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal
thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the
apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift.
He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his
manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities
for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremelyrare
&, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you
should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything
possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment
and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
********
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't
be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The
owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She
told the owner that she still wanted the bird.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the
bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from
school.
When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house,
new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to
laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband
came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores,
Hi Frank!"
********
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,
"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange
man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot
your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her
lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different
man every day!"
********
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the
beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was
running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to
go back to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back. Just give Fido my trusty
police dog one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so
she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10
seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he
is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens
get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido
rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!
********
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable
words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do, I do, me me me" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word,
pick me....."
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow,
Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
********
A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one
evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue
of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to
her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in
which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah?
Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up
and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her
face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty
and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the
way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."
*****************************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady!
Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her*
daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by
having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last
time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men
came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got
your daughter pregnant!"
****************************************
Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned
about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the
matter?"
To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl
"Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy just take
the day off to relax and rest."
Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my
mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything
just let me know."
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out
his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her
asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?"
Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister. She said that *her* mom died, too!!"
****************************************************
During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my
neighbor, Van, about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I
was such a dedicated Republican.
I told him that my Father and GrandFather were Republicans before me and
that I was carrying on the family tradition.
"That's it?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your Father and
GrandFather had been horse thieves?"
"Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."
**************************************A couple went on vacation to a
fishing resort near a national
park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife
preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing
and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the
boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out,
anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy
blind, or what?'
"You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and
charge you."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."
