Why don't police cars have a bumper sticker that says, "How's my
driving?"
Thanks to Clinton appointees, peanut butter is now a controlled
substance.
Congress has now tabled the minimum wage bill and campaign finance
reform.
Did anyone notice?
Do you think they'll ever have an award show for the best award shows?
He who espouses family values shouldn't have ex-spouses.
My son told me that he's only attending school until it becomes
available on CD-ROM.
When peanut butter is outlawed, only outlaws will have peanut butter.
Very few men would turn down discreet extramarital sex. It's just that
most get no offers, which is all that saves them.
When did the Seventh Commandment get changed from thou shalt not commit
adultery to thou shalt not ADMIT adultery?
Anyone who was a teenager in the 50s and 60s knows the difference
between doing it, and all that other stuff. If an activity couldn't
produce a baby, it didn't count.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but
there's never any gum under any of them.
Planet Limbaugh rotates backwards in an unchanging orbit and its dense
mass creates a gravitational field so strong that light and prejudice
cannot escape. No intelligent life is known to survive there.
If the next governor would only take control of Georgia's military
bases, we could whup Alabama and Florida, keep our women and take theirs
too.
*********************************************
A young boy is down at a popular secluded beach, the south end of whichn
permits nude bathing.
After much wandering around with wide-eyed wonder, the boy approaches
his father and says "Dad, why do some men have little cocks, and other
men have big cocks?
Taken aback, but quick with an answer, the well endowed father replies
"Well son, it's like this. All the men with big cocks are really smart,
and all of the men with small cocks are dumb bastards!"
The boy nods, and pauses to digest this new information.
Dad says "where's your mum?"
The boy replies "She's down behind the bushes with some dumb guys, but
they're getting smarter by the minute!"
******************************************
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to
the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number his address, etc.
but to no avail. The cabby said "If you don't have $15, get the hell
out of my cab!". So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won
big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he
see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy
who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make
the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a
ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteenbucks" came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me oral sex during the way?"
"WHAT?!" Get the hell out of my cab,you scum!".
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result -- getting kicked out
of each cab.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied
"Fifteen bucks".
The businessman said, "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs,the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
*********************************************
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had
been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the
compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking
for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It
wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he
saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and
nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted
so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again,
"What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely
full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other
rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he
said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag
them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart
out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought
you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm
dying for a cigarette."
****************************************************************
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?""Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly."We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
*******************************************************
The hare-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report
on his first week at work.
"Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager.
"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman.
"Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that
way."
"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my
toothbrutheth."
The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick."
The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?"
The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate
your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your
customer feel a need for your product or service."
The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick." The salesman
returns at the end of the next week to give his report.
The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?"
The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth."
The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?"
The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick."
The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to
pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!"
The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a
table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the
corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about
thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum
dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, 'Hey thith tath like thit!' I would say,
'It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?'
