A rural teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to go
home and get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of
egglaying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in
a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in
the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.
The teacher said, "And what's the moral of the story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
"Now Lucy what is your story?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One
time we had a dozen
eggs that a hen was hatching, but when the eggs
hatched we only got ten live chicks."
"And the moral to this story is,"
"Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
that was a fine story Lucy" the teacher said.
"Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, Ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my
Uncle Fernando. My Uncle Fern was a pilot in Vietnam and
his plane got hit by a SAM missile. He had to bail out
over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of
Rumplemints, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the
Rumplemints on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he
ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the
machete 'til the blade broke and then he killed the last
ten with his bare hands."
"My goodness," said the horrified teacher.
" What kind of moral did your Daddy give you from that horrible story?"
Johnny smiled brightly and replied, "Don't ever fuck with Uncle Fern when he's been drinking." >>
**********************************************
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and
replied, "Bud."
******************************************
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on
multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea
to ask a few of the children examples of words with more
than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks
Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four
syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large
the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your
four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables.
****************************************************
While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red
rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!",
and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it,
and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills
for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something
else."
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still
there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't
help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and
gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's
not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn the red ring is
still there. So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor
gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That
stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover". ;-) >>
******************************************
Today's joke is-
Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need
a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with ‘60 minutes.'
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
********************************************
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of
a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good
shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his
editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane
was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
***************************************
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children
in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said,
"Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
********
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
feet above this field.
"You must work in Tech Support," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
********
Two guys were car pooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling
along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and
suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look,"
he shouted, "what are the those dogs doing? Fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before."
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.
His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool.Here's what
you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then
suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the
passenger asked, "Well, how did it go?"
The driver replied, "It was great. But it took me SIX margaritas just
to get her naked in the front yard!"
********
A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6
class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on
the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male
students.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three
days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to
title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is
more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out
laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny
leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
********
Joan, a rather well-proportioned though near-sighted secretary,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed
her glasses for an even facial tan.
After several days she decided that no one could see her way up
there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bottom.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel
doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past
week."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight!"
