An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4
pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for
sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
********
One day this man was in a bar and had had a few. The Bartender noticed
that he had a long look on his face. And every time he would order a
drink he said,"There's some thing you jest caint explain."
The bartender just had to ask so he inquired about the man's troubles. The
man started on his story.
"I was out one day milking my cows. I brought OLE Bessy into the
milking barn and started in on her. When I got about three-fourths a
bucket she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. So I took a
rope and tied that leg up. I started in on her and when I got about
half way full she took her left leg and kicked over the damn bucket
again. So, I took another rope and hobbled her left leg and went back
to milking. Lo and behold, when I got about a third full that damn cow
tipped over that damn bucket with her tail. Her tail of all things.
Well, I didn't have any more rope left. So, I took off my belt and
tied the tail to the beam in the barn.
Well, about that time my pants fell down, the wife walked in, and, well,
there's some things you jest caint explain!!!"
*****************************************
Once not to long ago in Ireland there lived a family made up of a
mother, father, and 3 boys. The family lived on a farm and all of them
were big, husky people. All that is except the youngest boy, who was
small and skinny.
Days past and turned into years and the father fell sick one day.
Things turned worse and worse yet, until one day soon he was laying on
his death bed.
Now it's an old Irish tradition to ask one question, anything at all,
on your death bed, and it must be answered. So with all of his family
round him he mustered up the strength to call his wife to him. She leaned
down so as she could hear his faint voice.
'I'm goin' ta ask ye a qeustion,' he said to his wife. 'Alright, ask
me what ye will, and answer ye true shall I,' she said, holding his feeble
hand.
The man took in a deep breath and motioned as he spoke, 'The boy there
on the end of the bed, the skinny one.... is he mine?'
The mother sat looking at the skinny, feeble boy for a moment, then
turned back to her dying husband and said, 'Yeah, he's yours and for sure
he is.'
And with that the old Irishman died.
The mother folded his hands across his dead body, stood up, looked at
her sons, and said, 'I'm glad he didn't ask about ye other two!'
********
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so -- how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam
started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard
before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get
me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your
mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like
Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook.....
********
In a crowded city, at a crowded bus stop, a young woman was waiting
for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with
matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she
became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up
to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and
with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her, unzipped
her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to
raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she
still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she
once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much
to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the
offending skirt to give a little more slack, and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time a big Texan, who was behind her in line, picked her up
easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching
at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that
we was friends!"
*************************************************
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as
much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on
the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2: Time is Money
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowlege therefore = Work / Money
Solving for money we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
********
A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three
t-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white
mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK
The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the
white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK
And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her
it was titled: NOT MILK
********
Bill Clintos is speeding through Arkansas with his chauffeur at the wheel
on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking
out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the
road, and he hits in with the car.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Bill climbs out also to see what is
going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Bill what
they should do, and Clinton tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry
and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address
and worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted
person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the
pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they
arrived he asked Bill whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let
them know what happened.
Clinton agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries
back down the road.
Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and
bread and his breath smelling of liquor.
Clinton in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the
chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm
where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them
the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've
ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young
daughter and then sent me on my way."
Bill seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly
did you tell them?"
To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I
did was tell them "I'm Bill Clinton's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."
********
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air
waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a
hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to
climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily
again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds
sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it's time to
tell our little turtle he is adopted."
