While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's
balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace tha
missing ball with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects."
"Like what?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow
job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a
hard-on."
*************************************
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting.
The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm
animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He
managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing
anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed
so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like
hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
**********************************
A magician is hired to entertain passengers on a long ship
voyage. The first night, he starts his show in the lounge in
front of an enthusiastic (if captive) audience. He has just
produced a pack of cards from nowhere, and is about to take his
bow, when the ship's parrot, in a cage but also in the lounge,
squawks, "I saw what you did! You pulled those from up your
sleeve!" There is laughter and derision from the audience.
The next night, the magician was opening with another trick;
hiding a coin and making it reappear. As he prepared to take his
bow, the blasted parrot squawked again, "I saw that! You hid that
in your shoe!" You guessed it, same response from the audience.
The magician had had enough! He went to the captain and said,
"That parrot! The little bird is ruining my show! Please do
something about it!"
The captain managed to calm him down and came up with an idea,
covering the cage! So, the show went on the next night, and just
as the magician was pulling the rabbit from his hat, the ship hit
a reef and sunk. The Magician was the only survivor. After a
couple of days floating on his raft, what should float by, but
the cage, enveloped in a blanket! The magician ripped off the
blanket. The parrot sat in the cage, blinked several times in the
light and turned his head slowly from one side to another while
looking around in a puzzled manner. "All right," said the parrot,
" I give up- where'd you hide the ship?"
*********************************************************
A magician is hired to entertain passengers on a long ship
voyage. The first night, he starts his show in the lounge in
front of an enthusiastic (if captive) audience. He has just
produced a pack of cards from nowhere, and is about to take his
bow, when the ship's parrot, in a cage but also in the lounge,
squawks, "I saw what you did! You pulled those from up your
sleeve!" There is laughter and derision from the audience.
The next night, the magician was opening with another trick;
hiding a coin and making it reappear. As he prepared to take his
bow, the blasted parrot squawked again, "I saw that! You hid that
in your shoe!" You guessed it, same response from the audience.
The magician had had enough! He went to the captain and said,
"That parrot! The little bird is ruining my show! Please do
something about it!"
The captain managed to calm him down and came up with an idea,
covering the cage! So, the show went on the next night, and just
as the magician was pulling the rabbit from his hat, the ship hit
a reef and sunk. The Magician was the only survivor. After a
couple of days floating on his raft, what should float by, but
the cage, enveloped in a blanket! The magician ripped off the
blanket. The parrot sat in the cage, blinked several times in the
light and turned his head slowly from one side to another while
looking around in a puzzled manner. "All right," said the parrot,
" I give up- where'd you hide the ship?"
*******************************************************
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that
a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of
your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
******************************************************
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a
bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was
worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out
washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break
though. They made him a salesman and he sold so many cars that he
bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave
his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he
started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE too got a break.
They made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the
Real Estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you on that. My son started out
sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. He had a similar break after
years of hard work. In fact, he's so rich now that he just gave HIS
best friend a million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they
were telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I learned
something new about my son recently. He started out as a hairdresser
and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. That used to worry me for
his financial future, but not anymore. I also learned that he's gay
and has several boyfriends."
"Really?" says one of the others, "was that a shock for you to learn?"
Well, sort of. I've come to understand that there are more than a few
ways to have the best in life. He does very well for himself. For
example, his boyfriends bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a
million in stock for his birthday!"
********************************************
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in
the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."
*************************************
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of
tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored
six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare
hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit
its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. "And I'm still here
today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with is
penis.
********
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the
Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the
field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as
not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a
bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear scat. Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of
berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and
smells like pepper.
**************************
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
************************************************
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about
the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
**************************************************
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go
to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.
The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate,
try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife
shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of
the closet with his hands in the air."
***********************************************
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER in 1999
THE CLASSIC VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
THE MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm
and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, CNN, NBC
and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table
filled with food.
America and the world is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of
Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with
"green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is
the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on
the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they
will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been
denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited
unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to
it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay
his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism
Act". Retroactive to the beginning of the summer, the ant was
fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home
is confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which
just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since
he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in
the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling
most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing
before a wildly applauding group of compatriots announcing that
a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
*********************************************************
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their
best Sunday clothes.
Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the
Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope
will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally
down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.
As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum
and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it
hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate
people: the poor and and feeble ones.
Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts
on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another
chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close
and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
***************************************
THE PERFECT MAN
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay
********************************************************
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I
have
sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS.
Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city.
When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like
emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her
perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,"
replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your
reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow
asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you
jackass."
*******************************************
Things you'll never hear from a redneck:
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
"Duct tape won't fix it."
"I thought Graceland was tacky."
"Do you think my hair is too big?"
"Honey, did you mail that check to Greenpeace?"
"Deer heads would detract from the decor."
"I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
"Checkmate."
"Elvis who?"
