A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had
read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark
has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin
of lying."
There was a guy that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't
know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and
besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His
buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying
she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll
probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy
asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the
fellow. "...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran
out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had
>narrowed it down to two people, Wendy and Jack. That one was a hard decision
>to make as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
>He finally decided that in the morning which ever one used the water fountain
>first would have to go. Wendy came in the next morning hungover after partying
>all night. She went to the water fountain to get some water to take an aspirin>and
the executive approached her and said:
>"Wendy, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
>Wendy replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
A guy got a phone call from the family doctor: "My computer crashed and
all the records got mixed up! By a process of elimination I've managed
to narrow down your wife's problem to just two possibilities - she's
either got a serious heart condition or raging syphilis" "Er, what
exactly do I do about that, then?" said the guy. "Send her on a ten
mile run", said the doctor "and if she gets home safely, don't fuck
her!"
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After
they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing
left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of
our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be
a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes
his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the
bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man
asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will
just wait for the police..."
Betty and Pam are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get
to the vegetables, Betty hefts a good sized potato in each hand and
says, "You know, Pam, these remind me of Joe's balls." Pam, impressed
says, "Hmmm, that big, huh?" "No", Betty answers. "That
dirty."
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she
gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the first man
comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75
dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee
of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in
and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two. $20
dollars replies the third. The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out
instead of on the way in!!!
How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.
What's the difference betwwen pink and purple?
Your grip.
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potatoe?
A DickTater!
The other day, Hillary Clinton asked Chelsea if she was having sex yet.
Chelsea just smiled and said: "Not according to Dad."
Q.What is it a Man can do standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog
on three legs?
A. Shake hands.
Q.What is it a cow has 4 of and a woman has 2 of?
A. legs
Q.What is a four letter word ending with the letter "K" and means the
same as intercourse?
A. Talk.
Q.What is it on a Man that is hard and sticks so far out of his pajamas
that you can hang a hat on it?
A. His head.
Q. What goes in hard, but comes out soft and sticky?
A. Gum.
*Just wanted to see how clean everybody’s mind is!*
The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can
tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size
when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?" Mary blushed furiously as she
stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will
complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male
teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as
understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a
volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?" "Sir, the correct answer
is the iris of the eye." "Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male
teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to
her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday.
Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The
other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't
know, but I think it got stolen!" The other priest said, "Well what you
do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not
Steal" someone will confes to the crime." The next time the two saw
each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike
back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said. The other said,
"Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou
Shall Not Commit Adultry, I seemed to remember where I had left it."
In a message dated 12/9/98 10:51:19 PM Central Standard Time, mjspence@hotmail.com
writes:
<< Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went
out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only
wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle
and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty
fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every
step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to
his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" >>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute
with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend
call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something
like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes,
put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather
just died." "Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine
would
have had to.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in
court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no !" said the man. "I want to
know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying
for years."
A young man goes to his doctor with a personal problem. He pulls down
his pants and displays his rather long and large penis. "So, what's the
problem?" the doctor asks. "I can't get beyond a first date with a
woman. A kiss, a touch or even just a whiff of her perfume and whammm! I
get this tent in my pants." The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs
are really out of the question, they could have some long term side
effects. Have you tried strapping it to your leg?" The young man agrees
to try it. A couple of days pass and the doctor runs into his patient on
the street. "So, how did things work out?" "Okay, at first," the young
man admits sheepishly. "I took this girl out on a first date, we had a
great time, and with it strapped to my leg my erection wasn't so
obvious. When I took her home, she leaned over to
give me a goodnight kiss on the front steps, giving me a peek down her
blouse, and that's when it happened." "What?" "That's when I kicked
her
right in the face!"
