One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he
rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed
the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to Miss?" he stammered.
"Kings Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are
you looking at driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your
fare?"
"The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled
at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"
********
Eight Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active
8. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
7. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
5. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
**********************************************************
This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat
herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very
night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant
but nice all the same
.
The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total:
150 bucks!
She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would you mind
holding my breasts while I write the check please?"
The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never
been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he
obliges.
She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity
gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm
sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do
that just now."
"Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts
held when I'm being screwed!!!"
*******************************************************
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the
sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under
his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch me some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he
sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's
amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with
about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a
bunch of long reeds with something fuzzy on the ends.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "Pussy Willows.
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
****************************************************
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a
good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys
come from?"
**************************************
A man lay sprawled
across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned
and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a
few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over
the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's our name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the
balcony."
***************************************
A drunk phoned police on his cell phone to report that thieves had been in
his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone
rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by
mistake."*********************************************************
A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has
$400 monthly payments. He immediately gets a hold of his friend and they
go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting, and of course all the lakes
are frozen.
These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and
of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,
something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order
to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants
to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than a
ice hole drill.
Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a
short, 40 second fuse.
Now these two Rocket Scientists DO take into consideration that if they
place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they
are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping
on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in
smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second
fuse and throw the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer,the guns AND THE DOG ????
Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially
things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice
and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice, all to the dismay of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping,
waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.
The dog, doing his job, heads back from where it came from moments
before,with the stick of dynamite, the 2 bozos are now really going
ballistic - waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new
heights - all of which seems to encourage the dog.
Now one of the guys decides to think, something that has not been done up
to this point in our plot, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 shot, hardly enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed
rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have
gone insane, Rover takes off to find cover, with the now really short
short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.
The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new vehicle sitting on the
lake ice. Our brave hunters drop their shotguns and run like hell. . .
BOOM !
The dog dies. It and the brand new Grand Cherokee, sink to the bottom of
the lake, taking with it all their gear, the discarded shotguns, and the
beer, leaving the 2 candidates for Intellectual Co-leaders of the Known
Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
their faces. And a long walk home.
Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells
him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not
covered, not even in the clauses which normally cover owner stupidity.
All that is left of this memorable hunting trip is the unused payment
booklet for the Grand Cherokee.
******************************************************
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old
girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse
came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you
do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really
are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite
a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's
black."
****************************************************************
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah,blah,
blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get
one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted
to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.Could you
build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think
of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So,
I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know
why they are crying, know what they really want when they
say'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie's reply: "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
