A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order and sit
down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon
their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks
over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts
even more loudly in chant.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the table.
There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie
Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of
the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record
straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51
days!"
********************************************
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her
friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell,
but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter
in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell
your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
***********************************************
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re -attaches
it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
SPRINT VIRUS: Every three minutes, you hear a pin drop out of your
machine.
YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS: Almost immediately fragments into several autonomous
parts. Then it violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150
years.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by
C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Goes into your spellchecker and updates the word
"Potatoe"
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Tries to have you removed as the rightful
owner of the computer, even though everybody else wants you to be the
owner.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No
new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
MONICA VIRUS: Sucks your hard drive dry of all data.
CLINTON VIRUS: Lives on the hard drive, does nothing productive, causes
errors in data display. Sometimes interacts with the MONICA VIRUS causing
stains to appear in all dress files.
HILLARY VIRUS: Looks revolting but is harmless. WARNING may become
extremly dangerous if the CLINTON VIRUS is removed from drive.
Will possibly infect New York next year.
*******************************************
A newcomer to Portland (or Seattle) arrives on a rainy day. She gets up
the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the
day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks,
"Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."
*************************************
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,
the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled,
her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a
bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
**************************************
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a college boy
delivered his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the
other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing
great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."
