I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
*******************************************
Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the
phone.
"The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get
him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same
symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the Doc.
"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
**********************************************
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were
exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the
neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their
parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent
boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would
ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed,
but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So
the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room,
all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the rabbi
pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A
third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far
across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's
nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into
the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble.
God is missing and they think we did it!!!"
********************************************
A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says
to him, "Hey this is some coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I
ask how you got yours?" The second guy answers, "Well, it just
happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this
gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was behind the
counter. So, instead of saying I'd like a
ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to
Tittsburgh. So she socked me one. "
The other guy answers, "Whoa, uncanny, mine was a tongue twister too.
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:
Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties but I accidentally said: "You've ruined
my life you miserable bitch"
***************************************
A young couple took their 8 year old daughter to the
zoo. While they were looking at the elephants, the daughter said, "Mom, what's that
thing hanging
from the elephant?"
The mother replied, "Honey, that's the elephant's trunk."
"No, no," said the daughter. "I mean that thing
between the elephant's legs."
"Oh, that's nothing, dear."
A little later, the daughter asked her father,
"Dad, what's that thing hanging
> > from the elephant?" "That's his trunk, dear."
"No, no," said the daughter. "I mean that thing
between the elephant's legs."
"Ask your mother, dear."
"I did... she said it was nothing."
"Well," replied her father boastfully, "She's been spoiled!"
