A man and his wife are making love. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30
minutes, then 45 minutes.Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife
finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of
anyone else, either?"
********
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New
York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a
Russian, a North Korean and an Americian from New York. He
asked,"Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat
shortage?"
The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"
********
A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never
been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in
excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING!
BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the
noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE
SILENT!'.
There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a
momentand all of a sudden started softly chanting , 'OEING ! OEING!!
OEING!!! OE...'.
********
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air
Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.(All USAF pilots
are blond, right)
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem: "#1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Solution: "Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
********
Ain't this the truth
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in
their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a
service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner
of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around
Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would
be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be
President of the United States."
********
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had
spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when
who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked
terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and
his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by
motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some
more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the
airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida
stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got
it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while
stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but
Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the
stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a
perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
******************************************
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near
death experience. During that experience she sees God
and ask if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to
live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the
hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast
augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 years she might
as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital
after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance
speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and complains:
"I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
**************************************************
WHY WE ARE SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much
pressure from my job, earwax buildup, Iron poor
blood, but now I found out the real reason: we're tired because we're
overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving
19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city
governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000
to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
*********************************************
The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort
her after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated
Sister Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa." Sitting on the sofa, the
Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the coffee table. He took
a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes he
noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones,"
said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all your peanuts."
"That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all
my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!"
*******************************************
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When
the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry,
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over
the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
*****************************************
A man knocks on the door of an exclusive brothel.
Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for
you, sir?"
"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.
"This is an exclusive club. To join, you must slip a hundred dollars
under the door."
The man does so, but the door doesn't open. The madam appears again.
The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."
The madam says, "What, again?"
