[ Back ] [ Home ] [ Up ] [ Next ]
[ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ] [ 9 ] [ 10 ] [ 11 ] [ 12 ] [ 13 ] [ 14 ] [ 15 ] [ 16 ] [ 17 ] [ 18 ] [ 19 ] [ 20 ] [ 21 ] [ 22 ] [ 23 ] [ 24 ] [ 25 ] [ 26 ] [ 27 ] [ 28 ]
A flashy showgirl married a 97 year-old retired well-to-do General,
largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even
survive the wedding night.
While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a
black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the
bed.
When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was
stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes pin on his nose and a
condom. "Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.
"Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's
the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."
********
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another
hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...
but I can save you some sweat in taking out that carcass.
"Huh. Ok. Hey, thanks," one replied looking up appreciately.
The third hunter said, "If you would pull it the other direction it
would be easier," nodding as he passed.
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that
guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the car," the other added.
********
Good, Bad, Worse
Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids.
Bad: The birth control pills are missing.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: The Postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
********
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their
adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a
peg-leg,hook,and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard
into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit
my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
********
A rabbi, a priest, a Native American, an Asian-American, an
African-American, a spectacular blonde bombshell, a dog, a parrot,
a redneck Jew-hater, a Cowboys supporter and a Broncos supporter all walk
into a bar together.
The bartender looks up in surprise and says, "What is this, some kind of
JOKE?"
*************************************
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they
advised their butler that they were giving him the evening
off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the
Wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she
preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours
to meet some very important people.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread
out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.
She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved
forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress".
"Now take off my bra."
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
********************************************
Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She
notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are
there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock
represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie,
the clock ticks off one-second.
St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it
belonged to Mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.
The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two
lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St.Peter says, "Bill's clock is
upstairs in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan."
************************************************
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to
Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks
a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and
that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr.
Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do
if the
two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far...."
[ Back ] [ Home ] [ Up ] [ Next ]
[ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ] [ 9 ] [ 10 ] [ 11 ] [ 12 ] [ 13 ] [ 14 ] [ 15 ] [ 16 ] [ 17 ] [ 18 ] [ 19 ] [ 20 ] [ 21 ] [ 22 ] [ 23 ] [ 24 ] [ 25 ] [ 26 ] [ 27 ] [ 28 ]