************************************************
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life." Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she
should become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress,
especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington, D.C.
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass--and I'm just the one to do it." a congressional
candidate in Texas
MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel
Emporio
Wish -- To end all the killing in the world
Hobbies -- Hunting and fishing
from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey,
flashed on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people
who make them unsafe." Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and
Mayor of Philadelphia
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of
principal, the school department is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington
Rhode Island
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after
being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
**********************************************
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs
to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had
ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you.
He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.'
"The breakfast was my idea."
(i think she was blonde)
************************************************
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up,
he ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was
waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they
explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never beable to experience an
erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be
someone else's, that's all."
********************************************
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.
Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and
duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.
"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such
places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and
quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed.
"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with
the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly
entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on
his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."
******************************************
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed
a hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed
by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and
then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second
hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My
wife", the man replied. "I’m sorry", said Dave, "What
happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man
replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she died
as well."
Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line," replied the man.
*********************************************
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck
to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her
husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show
their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything
like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
*************************************
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans
Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan
would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title
to the property offered as collateral. The title for the
property in question was complicated and he spent a
considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents
back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his
examination, he submitted the full information to the VA.
He soon received a reply from the VA.
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a
loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The
application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the
title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and
possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be
necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I
note that you wish titles extended further back than I have
presented. Your attention is invited to the following
information to update your records for the property prior to
1803.
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that
the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France
in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate
transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest
from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of
discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He
was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her
permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -
almost as careful as the V.A. - took the precaution of securing
the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God
created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus
was the original holder of the property in question.
*********************************
A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a
stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and
asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get
out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch,
..."It's only 2014 now."
