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A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new
practice. He had a new sign painted and hung in front of his
office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him
please to change it.
The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign,
"Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they
demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that
would not offend the townspeople.
So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign, "Odds & Ends."
**********************************
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch
watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and
asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off
to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and
she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came
out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the
middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up,
maybe you could just drop it in!
*************************************************
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a
line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way up to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
have to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without even hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began saying, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the
gate, WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to the gate, it would be most helpful...!"
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glaredat
the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have stand in line for that, too!"
****************************************
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.
Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a
man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and
passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as
he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop
or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches
from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He
looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's
the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could
have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied
and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming,
andyou were coming.
You were the only one with brakes........."
*********************************************
PROOF THAT MEN ARE NOT COMPLICATED!!!
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed,
laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite,
pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle,
smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize,
leave, return,beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag,
crawl,tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,
implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive,grovel,
ignore,defend,milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce,
aromate, prevail,supercollide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify,
sanctify, help,acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip,
embrace,delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while
she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a
nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease,
flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur,
snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate,
alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble,
gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean
floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky,
crystal blue persuasion, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing,
slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,
slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle,
amaze,flabbergast,enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and
do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Blow job.
***********************************************
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on
and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and
the milkman usually get bucked off!"
*********************************
There was a young man who was so well endowed that it
was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were
in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor
said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse
who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried,
"Can't we just make his legs longer?"
**********************************
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more
was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to
sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
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