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What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common ?
They both have colored balls.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat
What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches. :)
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes
along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them.
Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long
enough.
What were Jeffery Dahmer's last words?
Eat me!
What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck
off!
What's the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand...
What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
Erection day.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
Why is a convict, before sentencing, like an inexperienced blonde?
They both know it will be hard, but they don't know for how long.
**********************************************************
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "And she's fucking Goofy too."
************************************************************
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the
Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that,
Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled
out a .45 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're
going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
*************************************************************
One-day little Susie went into her backyard and found her dog MUFFLES
lying dead with his legs up in the air. She asked her daddy why is
MUFFLES legs in the air? Thinking quickly, her dad replied, this way
Jesus can come down and take MUFFLES to heaven easier. The next day when
Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, Mommy almost died today.
Frustrated, her father said, honey what happened? And Susie said, Mommy's
legs were up in the air and she was screaming 0h Jesus I'm coming I'm
coming and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have
been a goner.
**************************************************************
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A
couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a
girlfriend?"
***************************************************
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie
to me! Lie to me!"
**************************************************
A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At
one house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home,
but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times
and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:
Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If
anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and
dine with him and he with me."
The next day the card showed up in the collection plate. Below
the pastors message was another scripture passage.
Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid
because I was naked and I hid myself."
*********************************************
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody
caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you
a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
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