Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up beside
his ex-wife at a traffic signal.
He shouted over, "So .. out looking for a little, huh?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now,
I'm out looking for a LOT!"
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A
torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the
captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or
something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said
to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by
hitting my dick against the table?" The crew burst laughing. So the navigator
pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the
table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the
captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked
the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The
navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table. The captain replied,
"Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The
torpedo missed!"
A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off
my blouse!" "Good.." "Now I also want you to take off my Bra."
"Good..."
"Now can you take off my panties." "Very Good! "Now, dont let me catch
you
wearing them again!!!"
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they
found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the
lights off because they can't see each other using sign language. After several
nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a
solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my
right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs
back to his wife, “Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and pull on penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
pull on my penis....fifty times."
A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an
unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the
morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.
When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the
toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.
She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried
desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her
naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently
visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing
nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were
walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was
exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he
could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed
privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
wife."
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just
passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive!
She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the
ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they
are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
-Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
-"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
-wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
-Hand me that....uh....that uh....thing-a-ma-jiggy.
-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
-Doggone, there go the lights again...
-"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Come on, the guy's got two of 'em.
-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
-What's this doing here?
-That's great! Now make his leg twitch!
-I wish I had my glasses.
-Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
-Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean enough.
-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!
-Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
-And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
-What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
-She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
-Oh no!! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time
again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but
finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the
bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets
to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body
for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped
and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing
to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Best Vodka You Ever Had
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned
and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one
wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I Really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss
vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the
cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he
smells the liquid.
Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The
Russian yells to his wife,
"Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and
pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka.Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
takes a sip. It is the
best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out
of
the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.
The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until
the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and
tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to
piss
in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we
need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the
bottle."
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that
her hair smells nice. The woman immediately
goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she
wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is
puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you
your hair smells nice." The woman replies, "He's a midget."
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene
and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem.
“The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for.
He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a
new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new
suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see... size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure...”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck” Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure ...”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see... 9-1/2... E.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure...”
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see... 7-5/8.”
Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
“How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure...”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see... size
36.”
Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of
a headache.”
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying,
tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No, During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."
Things I learned from children...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman
cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by
20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year
old man says
they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the
road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back
against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the
Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've
always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw
what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He
must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently
tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked
away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and
walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He
raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several
moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first
prize!"
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he
said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in
Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep.
So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I
have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you
have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake
me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get
me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had
said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in
Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started
yelling at him.
"Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake
me up in Mannheim. And you didn't! I want my money back you $%^@$!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were
also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and
says to him:
Guy1, "Look at this guy he is pissed!"
Guy2, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in
Mannheim."
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said
to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air
holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard
and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they
were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them
up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."
