A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to
a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a
scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all
the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts
laughing. "What`s so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked
woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope
from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and
says, "Here are two bullets, I`ll give you this scope for nothing if you take
these two bullets, shoot my wife`s head off and shoot the guy`s dick off." The
man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I
can do that with one shot!"
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids
knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up
if they knew the correct sound. 'Who knows what sound a cow makes?' she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said 'Moooo!' 'Very good' replied the teacher, 'what
sound do sheep make?' 'Baaaa' answered Billy. She continued this for a while.
Then she asked 'What sound does a pig make?' All the hands in the class went
up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of
the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, 'Up against the wall
mutha-fucka!!
A baby was born and was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the
delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," said the doctor.The baby said, "Thank you for taking such
good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He
then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index
finger five times saying,
"I want you to know that THAT HURTS!!!!!!!
Scientists at NASA had developed a gun built specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements
were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the
chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped
the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cab.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."
A redneck boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father, never having
seen an elevator, responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in
my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with
numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles
light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which
one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She
says, Excuse me sir ..... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell
you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said
"That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test
line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it"
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman
farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way
he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the
only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says. "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00,
and the catfish stink bait is $2.50
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I
got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and
white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team.
Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white
but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels
good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his
wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His
dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but,
hell, it feels good!"
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking
around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to
the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his dick on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He
replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2
hands and a face put on this!
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess." The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still.on. She trips and falls in her haste. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said.he had to take a shit first."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with
the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he
spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the
swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the
dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the
blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts
out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,
he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here
between
my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop
some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really
freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm
them up." He does, and again that warms him up After dinner, he goes out one
more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he
says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him
and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I
fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it
or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb,
laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or
Europe, a 1999 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive
car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a
spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up
next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of
the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it
cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool
dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice
car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old
man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my
Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like
the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How
could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his
car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and it is the
old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for
certain. The guy runs up to the injured old man and asks "You're
hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side
view mirror!"
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far
away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and
send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got
another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some
incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called
his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad.
So I rented him a tuxedo."
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were
discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization.
That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because
that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making
its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the
children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a
gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island.
She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you
had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky? He replies,
"Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes
a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping
this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you had some real fun?" And the man replies,
"My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they
decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a
skunk. As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which
says " NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE" Slightly distressed the
woman turns to her husband and ask's what they should do. After thinking hard
for 5 min's the man come up with a plan " what i'll do is tie the snake around
my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt" "Yes" the woman
replies " but what about the skunk?" "I dont know, you'll just have to hide
it
up your skirt" "but what about the smell?" the woman asks. To which the man
replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"
A bus full of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone.
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and
crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians,
buries them.
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you
buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all
dead?"
The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians
lie."
The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per
ounce."
"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something
called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS
You'll Get Some!"
Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in GOLF but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
