Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:
10) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well...
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity
1.) I really don't deserve this.
A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to
hear a good Notre Dame joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2
big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team.
And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame.
That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I
lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go
ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied.
"I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."You may have heard about a
new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she
and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that
they could make it appear that they had been
married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be
sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she
cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well,"
said
Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says:
"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to
help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're
short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day
off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on
you!"
An old lady walks up to an old man in an old age home. She says, "If you drop
your pants I'll bet I can tell your age." So, the man drops his
pants."You're 83" she says. "You're right! But how could you tell I
was 83 just by looking at me without pants on?" he asks."Easy," She says,
"You told me yesterday."
The Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines
10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
4. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of
love!"
1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a
neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though
with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is
tell my husband the rent is paid up for nine months!"
